What a Week.

It's been a long time since I last posted, and I can't honestly say that I stayed on track while I was away. Instead, I gorged. I ate too much too often, and it showed on the scale. I gained two pounds.
Yet I avoided the gym anyway, and when I promised myself I'd eat well, I went to the cafeteria and ate a beef and cheese quesadilla. Healthy, huh?
But I finally got a wake-up call. This weekend, I toured my first wedding venue. As I looked around at the gorgeous Victorian-style mansion, I was astounded at the beauty around me...and I wanted to be a part of it. I realized that I want to fit my decor in my own eyes. The wedding consultant said "every bride and every wedding is beautiful". I know that's true, but...I can't help it, I don't like looking in the mirror and seeing what I see. I do like myself, I really do! I just don't like my body with all its lumps, bumps, and extra  large tendencies "curves". I fear wedding dress shopping because my dream gowns are NOT exactly forgiving. I fear walking into a store where they look up my measurements on a size chart and look at me again with widened, judging eyes.
I don't want that. On my wedding day, I want to make myself feel like the most lovely woman in the world. So, I'm back at it. I've started the SlimFast diet, and I've returned to the gym. I've been good for the past couple days, although I did succumb once-and I plan to continue. In the town I attend college in, there is a little ice cream shop that opens seasonally, and it's my weakness! 250 flavors of soft serve....who can resist? Not me!
To anyone reading this...you can do it if I can. We can do this! It's a journey, and it's not a fun one, but the destination is the most incredible place in the whole world: true happiness within yourself!

Back to School

After a weekend of fun, I've returned back to college and back to reality. I have two huge papers to write this week, in addition to a project and a test. Sucks. But I'm determined that, this time, I'll get to the gym, no matter how stressed I am!
So far today, I've been moderately good on my food intake. I nommed on a fresh fruit cup, drank a delish Odwalla juice (Mango Tango- 10 cents of ever bottle benefit Haiti!), but finished off my lunch with a cup of Ramen. I was too hungry and tired to walk to the cafeteria, and they were convenient. So I ate the noodles of sodium death. But they were delicious (:
Now, I've got to take a nap, repaint my nails, read a play, write a paper and hit the gym. But this thing gets me through it: my lovely engagement ring. I look down at it throughout the day, and it's a reminder of what I'm working toward: a beautiful, healthy me.

Here it is:

This ring holds all the promises of my future husband. Now I've gotta start keeping my promises to myself.

Weights and Measures

I don't want to know what I weigh right now. Not after my meal tonight.
Let me preface this by saying that it's my birthday, so I kinda-sorta-totally overindulged. At TGI Friday's. So we have a problem.
This is the last birthday where I'll allow myself to weigh too much. The last birthday on which I'll try on clothes only to leave the dressing room, shamefaced, after having been unable to close a pair of size thirteen pants. No more.
But today, I let myself eat and eat and EAT. I probably shouldn't have, but the great monster of PMS, combined with celebratory moods, made me eat my feelings...and then some.
The ride home made me realize my failings today and I stopped to purchase measuring tape. Throughout all my weight loss ups and downs, I've avoided measuring tapes because, to be honest, they scare the shit out of me. I want to know, but don't really want to know, my measurements. But it's time to bite the bullet. So, here they are, in all their brutal glory:

Starting Measurements: 3/26/2011

Upper Arm: 11 inches
Wrist: 6 1/8 inches
Breasts: 48 inches ( I have EE cups, which I'm hoping to reduce to a C cup in surgery this summer
Below breasts: 39 inches
Waist: 40 1/2 inches
Hips: 47 inches
Upper Thigh: 23 inches
Lower Thigh: 18 inches
Calf:  14 Inches

These measurements are not pretty- not in the slightest. But they're real, so now I have a starting basis for my weight loss, and hopefully I'll see results in size, if not weight, which is probably hovering around 203 at the moment.
All this, and yet I'm hopeful. It's been a good birthday.

Skinny Bitch and all that Ish...

Planning a wedding is stressful. I'm two years out, and my mind is swirling with ideas that people (mostly my mother) hate. I have this grand vision in my head, and this vision centers on birdcages.

Why, you ask? Well, I have a Victorian theme for my far-off nuptials. My birdcages are near and dear to my heart for centerpieces. Everyone I've showed them to has been astounded at the idea of flower-filled birdcages for centerpieces. Well, everyone except the one footing the bill...my mother. She hates them so vehemently that I almost gave up.

But I'm not a quitter, as I'm hoping this blog will show. So today I made a replica birdcage, which made my mother irritated, but more accepting of the idea. And as such, I got what I wanted: my birdcages!

Now back to the non-fantasy: the reality of weight loss. I picked up "Skinny Bitch" and read for about an hour. But...ouch. It's not so much that they're harsh, which I'd appreciate. The diet is just RIDICULOUS. I cannot possibly cut out meat, dairy, caffeine, and sugar. I mean, WHAT WOULD I EAT?! It's perplexing to say the least. So after an hour, I decided to go my own way with the practical eating plan. I've reamped my dedication to Sparkpeople.com, the best weight loss site I've ever seen. I'm going to stick to a reasonable calorie plan and an exercise regime, but honestly, I will NEVER be a skinny bitch. And I am totally okay with that.

Taking Steps

Tonight, my lovely fiance came down to visit me at school. Feeling fresh and ready to start my new plan, we headed out to dinner and then for some shopping. I ate reasonably well, but still felt a bit sick.
Let me put this into perspective...I'm a shopping whore. It's a major issue. I love EVERYTHING. So, to Barnes & Noble we went. Instantly, I devoured the wedding section. As Justin and I sat there reading, I suddenly received the best inspiration ever:

Can you say wedding dresses?!

Because, as it turns out, I can squeal about them. I love lace, drama, gorgeous flowing gowns....and I want to look as lovely in them as the model above does in that dress that haunts my dreams. I need to float down the aisle. And I want to do so feeling and being lighter than I currently am. 

With that in mind, I walked over to the self-improvement section and picked up "Skinny Bitch". I've always heard about it, but until now, I've never read it. That changes tonight.

It seems like just the ass-kicking I need. So we shall see.

The Dream

As a little girl, I used to plan my wedding. Not the idle planning of most girls my age, oh no. I envisioned elaborate scenarios in which I was walking down the aisle in a specially made gown toward the handsomest man in the world. It worked, you see, for I was the loveliest woman.

Well, now it's reality. I met him, the man I'll be walking down the aisle toward. He is all that I could have imagined I'd ever want, and then some. He is it for me. But now I don't know if I can look at myself as being lovely enough for him.

He proposed on March 14th, Pi Day. We're both dorks, so it works out well. All I can see is our gorgeous wedding, and our gorgeous life afterward...but I want to be part of the gorgeous aesthetic. And right now, I don't feel like I am.

My current weight is 201 lbs, and it's been higher. I'm tall, so most (not even my husband- to - be) guess that I'm so heavy. BUt I know, and I feel it. So this is my mission: before June 23, 2013, I will be the woman that I always dreamed I would be, the gorgeous girl in the white gown walking toward the most incredible man I can imagine. Just watch me.

My goal here is to hold myself accountable, to write about my daily weight losses and gains, about my workouts and my struggles with food. My goal is to reach my goal and (hopefully!) meet other people along the way.

So watch me shrink to fit the body my mind has always dreamed of.